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Moving, mostly. 'Lo every one. I'm moving... sort of. I might still post some things here (I don't do much here any way), but I'll be journaling, ic journaling, poeming, ranting, and mostly just consolidating a good portion of my online writing activities at my new blog/site : http://www.ephemblog.com/darkswan An online associate of mine owns the site, and its pretty much open to how far you can customize and such, I encourage you to take a look, if only to beable to tell me you checked it out. |
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I never really thought about this before... but my brain has been working on odd gears lately. I went to a talk hosted by The Newman Center (Campus Catholic Student Center/Church) on the DaVinci Code. As I expected, the speaker went ballistic on poor Dan Brown. While he brought up good points, pointed out were the book that weren't based on anything and quite full of fallacy, which... hell I knew before. Te thing is... this speaker, Dr. Sri, made it sound like Dan Brown was intentionally attacking the catholic church and christianity in general; I honestly doubt this was his goal. Its a freaking novel people, and he's wrote others like it before. Just... ugh... dare I say it... chill. (Oh wait that was one of Dr. Sri's main points... we should be chilling... but really... is getting angry really getting us any where?) Actually, this steer's me off subject.. People, in general, overreact.... to... EVERYTHING... and its mostly because they allow themselves to react.... before they fully comprehend what is going on. Those first shreads of emotion, of hearing something you don't like... leads to you not listening to the rest... and this happens... ALL THE TIME. I do it, you do it, your mother and father do it. As someone that tends to over think things, I tend to do it less.. (I hope) so... one of the things I've noticed, is the stronger you feel about someting, the more a person is subject to jumping to this overreaction factor. Thus... I guess; since I am not extremely devout catholic (I go to mass still because I enjoy mass) but rather one who aleans away from organized religion (though I still believe); I tend to not react so passionately about matters of religion. The thing about this then, is religion is one of the things in the world we have the least certain knowledge about, therefore, almost noone understands everything about it, which leads to other confusions. Thus, when my dear friend and bible study leader, Jessie goes ballistic over something that happened at a good friday mass that she attended in Iowa (she's protestant) basically... when the priest spoke about Joseph and another man taking Christ from the crucifix to the tomb, she misinterpretes or goes off on "but the women did that, where did the women go... $#@%ing catholic church" (ok... not like that... but you get the point) and then have the conversation go south when I note that we did mention the women in our service...at my catholic church... and she tries to cling to this argument and the fallacy of it all.... well... its a mess. and it happens every day, millions of times a day, because once a misconception is concieved, and it gets firmly in someone's head... it stays there, and most people won't go back and realise an error. Its a fault of pride, misconception, and the initial overreaction. This is were prejudice comes from, including the "anti-catholicism" . Misunderstandings, overreactions, and lack of understanding... then the lingering pride and refusal to change. So is it strange that these things that lead to prejudice also lead to war? No, not likely... so that leads to another odd conclusion; the world will not have piece while there are still extremists, people who are extremely devout... and... most horribly (though its bad of me to say it) ignorance. this is of course, not a rock solid thing, but if the world is to have any sort of peace... we all have to be as boring and bland as cream of wheat, believe the same things, and basically have no diversity. That of course, would be no fun, and besides that... it would never happen on this current society and world.. namely... the world and civilization is going to have to restart. which may happen.. or may not.... but if you think about it in a morbid sort of way... mother nature is trying to kill us off with viruses, global warming, and bacteria even as we slowly kill her. wow I got off topic.
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Oi... Nokros... you still have darkside influence on me apparently... ;) |
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 Which Ringwraith are You? By Lisa It's like I'm talking to a monkey! A really big, stupid monkey named Ringwraith #5! hehehe |
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So I have a bit of deadtime now that I got my spanish homework done, so I've slipped into the comp lab and here we go. I turn 20 tomorrow, kinda scary... Mom and dad have been "Now hun, you're almost 20... and You're 20... and made me feel like all of a sudden, I'm 2 decades old and I need to have a grip on what I'm doing. Heh, well they're partially right, but I was reading the news post on shades of grey (shadesofgrey.rydia.net), and Robin (the author) had her birthday this weekend too. quote: [i]My birthday is this weekend. My brain apparently does not wish to compute this info. To think, in two days...I will be two days older than I am. Heh. Maybe that's why my brain is resisting the "birthday" idea. It's not as if I am aging an entire year in a day. Boy, wouldn't that be a rush, eh? I imagine it would be accompanied by a "Shooom!" sound effect, but I could be wrong. It'd probably be more of a "Sha-BAM!"[/i] She's right... didn't age the whole year in a day... but it is a marking spot, so.. there ya go. In other news, although I did get some homework done this weekend, I spent a vast majority of it hoping that Tony would get home and talk to me and watching gasp.. romantic comedies... yes... I'm becoming an addict. Erin Brockavich, Pretty Woman, some movie about a mexican american photographer and a casino construction supervisor which reminded me a ton of Jerry Mcquire(or however you spell it)... then sleepless in seatle on sunday... I'm horrible... tnt knows drama and knows how to get me addicted... bleh! went to Mr. and Mrs. Smith this weekend with a Neighbor down the hall that I met at breakfast one morning. Katy. It was an ok movie, slow at first and then nearly non-stop gun battle... and then of course there was the sex scene in the middle. Ah well... i got into the music at least... lots of spitz and piz. it was good. well chosen... well played. Common Tater comes out this weekend, which reminds me I haven't done my article for Bob... shit... going to have to email the deoartment head with my questions instead of going in and just get the damn thing done.... bleh! Also... Subramanian ran off to india to do some family stuff.. so she's gone this week... enter Dr. Larsen... who's actually tons better at teaching then Subramanian... however... that means I have to go get advising with someone else... mayhap Hendrix? we'll see. Wednesday night Jessie's car died, we spent 3 hours working on that before a good samaritan came along... guess he was a mechanic and banged on her starter to get it working, friday we took it in to the shop, not impressed with that place... hopefully the guy got it fixed... I let her borrow my car to go to class today, I trust her on that at least. She herself has huge trust issues, tuesday night when I got back and got my car unpacked we sat and watched movies all night and Dustin (her boyfriend) called late... they argued all the way through Hitch and some more after I left, apparently she had a break down... I love her any way. as for me, meds are working well it seems, have a few more days of the first perscription for rebooting the system, then I let the period flow before hopping back on the birth control to keep me regular. so. fun eh? can't think of anything else right now... dad thought I was mad at him because my phone calls are getting shorter... whoops. should get to class soon, but I'm gonna play a little cubis before I do. yay for yahoo, |
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Truthfully, this seems to help... and at this point I don't care what people see of the inner workings of my brain, thus I linked this to my face book... muahahah beware the contents of this hournal... muahaha. Right oh. So. Fall Break. With a lovely oh.. 13 hours or so left, I have accomplished the following things(no particular order): Hair Cut, Car Fixed (it was a loose belt), T2T Common Tater Published, T2T Ranting about use of the armoury, common tater website bio, obituary abouta cat, One dream catcher made (almost), failed keychain expirament turned meditation band, one ring ( onxy and obsidian.. whee!), birthday celebrated with family, bough birthday present from andrew and sarah and then had mom tell them this is what they got me (CJ Banks sweater... cute!), undergarments purchased (Lane Bryant... whee.. with my coupon ended up being two for the price of one), Next Semester Planned (roughly), Joslyn with Jackie (This was fun... they hada Picasso and a Audoban(sp?) the guy who did the animal prints, birds and beasts of north america.. printing is cool.. yo. (I'm still un sure to the contect of that word.. or why I bother trying to use it... heh), Talked alot about things with her, so I feel a bit better now... then church on sat night made me get get my inspiration back perhaps. So... then ObGyn appointment and picking up my meds from the pharmacy, these will help things too I'm sure... get my cycle rebooted and working properly and my brain too ... I hate genetics right now. So when I got home with my meds my brother decided to ask me what was in the bag.. "Whats in the bag? Your drugs?" "Well... yeah... my prescriptions..." "I bet you have steroids in there..." I started laughing. "Yeah... estrogens are steroids." He looked at me funny and kinda walked off then. *snicker* poor thing... he's so funny.. couple weeks ago he was asking me if I had any friends that might go out with him... and then home coming this weekend with a date that my sister hooked him up with... well he's such a casanova, borrowed my mom's car, got some yanni love songs in there, took her out to dinner at ruby tuesday, but he apparently asked mom if we had any flowers in the yard that would make a good corsage... oh god... such a stingewad... silly boy... never get a girl that way... ah well. as for next semester... we'll see what good ol' doctor S says... but I think I'm going to skip equilibrium stage operations for the time being and do some easier classes... bio 104, span 305, chem 262 and 264... thats... 4+3+5... so 12... and I'll go ahead and take c too... might be fun. we'll see. Also have to see how my brain is working with the zoloft. The truth is I just haven't been myself, I haven't wanted to do anything, I'll sit and do absolutely nothing on my computer, or otherwise, no motibvation to do the homework or anything else for that matter. I've also been ignoring a part of myself perhaps. So its time to rexamine my faith and explore my spirtual side a little more, and let my creative side take it in,... I guess I just need to find the right people to go with on it... Tony, Darren and my Aunt will probably beable to understand some of the things that I discover... but I wonder who else will... its most likely a little out there... again... we'll see. So on to more work... eight and a half hours the last two days and I'm putting in some today too. yay for money. heh. well. I'll let loose more later. |
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 You Are A Privateer! What Type Of Swashbuckler Are You? brought to you by Maddog Varuka & Dawg Brown My pirate name is: Dirty Bess Read  You're the pirate everyone else wants to throw in the ocean -- not to get rid of you, you understand; just to get rid of the smell. Even through many pirates have a reputation for not being the brightest souls on earth, you defy the sterotypes. You've got taste and education. Arr! Get your own pirate name from fidius.org. |
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I fail. I had this great idea about being a good citizen of the world and breakign through to my brother and sister. But my brother still won't listen and my sister doesn't want to talk to me. I had high hopes. What was I thinking? I helped sarah out with her homework today. Its still the same, they want the answers, not the way to them. so. so much for that. I fail. Maybe later it will sink in. Later doesn't help me now. so we got to church today. and I prayed I prayed for help to be better. Better at listening. better at talking, better at relating. Better. Better at studying, better at touching upon things, better at being a good rolemodel for my siblings. I can't help but think its partly my fault . They looked at me and I was in my room when i was home last year, or on my computer, or doing something that wasn't helping them. Last year sucked for me, I wasn't who I wanted to be,. in my dorm room on my computer. I was stuck there. I will break free. I have broken free. The laptop is broken, perhaps a blessing in disguise? I'm actually doing my homework. I went to the rec every day this week. But I'm still lonely in the masses. I need to be better at socializing, better. better so i can be the person I need to be for that someone that might be right here waiting to find me. Better so that when in two weeks, a year, 5 years, when I meet that person, I'm right. It comes down to being better. I can be better. I will be better. And as father Frank said it tonight, I'm going to find my crucifix and I'm going to learn to love it, so it isn't something i fight against, but live with and carry well. |
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got a bit written on daystorm today There was darkness first and slowly the scent of lilac, daffodil, flowering trees, and rain. The ground seems to materialize beneath her, thought it had been there all along, firm, slightly warm, there is… grass… wet grass, she moves her hand through it and droplets of dew run off her fingers causing a cool sensation to run through out her body. She is suddenly aware of the silence, no birds singing, no rustling of leaves. The wind sweeps past her, it is warm but there is a malevolent coldness in its core. She opens her eyes, the light is overwhelmingly bright and she blinks a few times, emitting a small groan she rolls to her side and picks herself up. She looks at her surroundings for a moment; a walled in courtyard, there were more types of fauna here then she had ever seen in one place and she had never seen most of them in her life. The sky is a deep blue, there are some storm clouds in the distance but they do not seem such a threat. There is a pool of water near the middle of the area and suddenly she finds that she is thirsty, she walks to it and finds that the water is amazingly clear she cups her hands and drinks it slowly and then finds herself staring at her own reflection. Her ash blond hair is pulled tightly into a braid, though a few strands have escaped, and her face looks like it was carved from sun kissed ivory, a few freckles speckle her cheeks drawing attention to her hazel eyes. She brings her hand to her face and touched her features, almost not sure they are her own, and she comes to realize that she cannot remember what happened to her. |
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So.By this time tomorrow I'll be on the road to omaha to get to the airport. I have to say though, I'm getting a bit nervous about this whole thing. I'm going to be on a plane for over 8 hours, by myself, flying over an ocean to land in another country, extremely out of my element and I'm gonna have to hope I don't freeze up when I meet Darren at the airport. aieesh. heh On top of that, I just payed $483 in credit card bills; gas(twice... mayhap thrice), new clothes (largest part of it), shoes, makeup... and foods. I should cut out that foods part, I could do alot better for my heath and my finances without. So. where's the welcome commitee of the poor college student club? *sighs* I get paid next week though so I'll have a bit of spending money for britain, unfortunately my savings balance is down to $100... not a good thing by any means. eesh. but I have about $125 in my checking account after the credit card bills go through, and then I'll get paid and have another $300 hopefully. Picture is worth a thousand words and a thousand memories. (remind me not to boogy down to a used book store any time soon... or I could and get some cash... hrm. *checks on exchange rate* 1 GBP = 1.74193 USD crap. *kicks depreciating u.s. dollar* No flashy toys for the Aysel... and maybe no phantom of the opera either. Depends if Ben still wants to go and we have time. ah well. its about the experience... not the money. and andrew finally got himself a damn green and blue tartan scottish cap so I don't have to worry about that. not that I have much room in my suitcase for extra stuff any way. Just the books that D might be bringing me. *hop* 1 USD = 0.831654 EUR should have gone to italy instead! wait. I know no italian y mi espanol no esta muy bueno. ah well. stomach butterflies! had them last night too... first my hand was tingling and then my stomach started butterflying up. I wonder if I have poor circulation with all this body part tingling stuff going on. *stops ramble and gets back to work* |
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got off work today. everything was going fine, had some leftoever bee f stroganoff for supper etc etc. leveled up my little evil thing a girl numereon necromancer. (to level 2 no big deal...) she's kinda creepy looking... I'll post up her desc later maybe. any way its weird. off and on all day the right side of my temple/head would throb some... a very concentrated little area like a little orb. no idea why. any way back to the point... all of a sudden got the overwhelming need to be cuddled and perhaps even kissed. and was missing a few of the other dm's from teh server pretty bad but I was also missing Tony. Now Tony... well I keep thinking I have a crush on him. He'll be on we'll talk /semi flirt and then get off and Its hard for me to stop thinking about him for days. and when I finally do stop it he's on again. problem being... I don't know him very well yet. I know him sort of... enough to have become attracted yeah, but I don't know him know him yet my brain doesn't want to not think about him... ugh.. damnit ... its throbing again. ok it stopped. its just weird. because all of a sudden I had this great need for cuddle a kiss and just generally some intimacy but I've never had that before so my body shouldn't know what it wants... when its fairly innocent like that... should it??? god I don't know. It just took me over and I'm sitting here on my comp and start crying. uugh what the heck maybe I hit my head on something and don't remember about it... *sighs* time to go to bed. until later |
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Well. I just finished reading Dean Koontz's latest... Velocity I liked it well enough but I'm finding that after reading several of Koontz's works that I can come to predict some of the turns he can take, this was especially true in Velocity, where I kept thinking through the whole book... what about... such and such and all then such and such occurs. I'll probably still read Dean Koontz, it will probably just occur that the more I read the more I figure out his turns and end up having to go to a new author for lack of thrill. So. what am I going to read next? Dance of Death by Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child. I love these guys, they are athe authors of Relic, a novel turned into an ok movie... actually I caught the movie on tv sometime durring second semester and was dissapointed.... my favourite character was not present; Special Agent Pendergast. any way, these guys are sci-fu actionish too. More science and myth then sci fi ... I don't know how to explain it well. In Brimstone, their last novel they essentially left a cliff hanger, the fate of one character unknown so I'm glad they finally released this new one. All and all, I really recommend all three authors; Koontz & Preston and Child if you're into the sci-fi thriller mystery scene. |
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TABLE cellPadding=20 align=center> <tbody> <tr> <td align="middle">Minerva Indeed, you are 75% erudite, 33% sensual, 41% martial, and 33% saturnine. </td></tr> <tr> <td>Another virgin Goddess (Diana or Artemis being the other), Minerva was, just like her Greek counterpart Athena, the Goddess of Wisdom and Freedom as well as an all powerful Goddess of War, which made her a most formidable opponent indeed. Among the many disciplines that fell under her control were: writing, the sciences, architecture, embroidery, and just about anything else dealing with artistic skills, wise counsel, and of course battle and warfare. Like Athena, owls were considered sacred to Minerva, representing wisdom. She was a very wise warrior, respected by the Roman legions. She was also, no kidding, the Goddess of Women's Rights and patroness of career women. The Fifteen Goddesses These are the 15 categories of this test. If you score above average in … …all or none of the four variables: Neit. … Erudite: Minerva. … Sensual: Aphrodite. … Martial: Artemis. … Saturnine: Persephone. … Erudite & Sensual: Isis. … Erudite & Martial: Sekhmet. … Erudite & Saturnine: Nemesis. … Sensual & Martial: Hera. … Sensual & Saturnine: Bast. … Martial & Saturnine: Ilamatecuhtli. … Erudite, Sensual & Martial: Maeve. … Erudite, Sensual & Saturnine: Freya. … Erudite, Martial & Saturnine: Sedna. … Sensual, Martial & Saturnine: Macha. </td></tr><tr> <td align="middle">  </td></tr></tbody></table>
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Took an online purity test out of boredom. I'm 97% pure (well gee. yes... I'm a virgin and a good number where about sex... ) |
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Ok. I spent a good portion of the afternoon uploading a great number of my writings to my deviant art account... axtea.deviantart.com please leave me some comment love ;) |
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Well. Last night I had a pretty odd dream... I was some type of mermaid person... except I had a shark tail instead of a fish tail. I was the only one... unil I met a a guy that had a shark tail too. But we didn't belong with the people about us... the regular mermaids and fish, and though there was an initial attraction and gravity when we knew we were of the same kind, but we grew closer as we talked and spent time together; going for swims fighting Bodaks... ok well we didn't fight the bodak together. he went bodak hunting with a couple of our fish like friends when I ordered dinner from some odd cafe that served an odd assortment of chinese and american seafood. (they had fried clams and there was a dish of a small squid and shark meat served on rice... yes ok it was odd and don't ask me why there was a bodak either.) Any way... they went on a bodak hunt and he came back in a daze and his friends hadn't really noticed or didn't care and ate all the food that I had ordered. So apparently I took him to a healer... don't know who the healer was... not a fish person or a mermaid or a shark person but he/she/it glowed bright and they patched him up and a iwoke up after we kissed and realised we didn't belong under the sea and were going to try to leave it. It was odd and I think I have a good idea of what it might mean as far as whats going on in my head but I'll leave it be at that... If any one wants to give it a go.. be my guest. At least it wasn't another rescue dream... Actually I haven't had one of those since last week when I decided to drop out of the honors program because of the extra stress it was putting on me. So maybe I needed to be rescued from it or escape it or something. Was flipping through old pictures sunday night and found some of Graham. Made me remember what a great guy he is, and unique, and funny and also also how absolutely hot I think he is. I don't know if I ever told him I thought he was hot but he's absolutely a stud. And his voice... well I'm rather partial to the nz accent. But there's no use wishing about him now, he's half a continent and a large ocean away and he's busy working on his graduate work and it would most likely never work out that we even get a chance to date... even though I can still invision us together. But the thing is... I really don't have an urge to run off to NZ and meet up with him like I used to I don't know if thats maturity, reality or just the fact that I know it can't work out.
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Dear Santa...
ponderous